I’m not gonna lie. The Truth about Colombian men is this, that they are probably some of the worst creatures to ever roam the earth, be it flat, spherical, or square.
I must admit that there are exceptions…somewhere. But, they are so few and far between, I recommend that when you start dating Colombian Men, it’s with your defenses up and guns loaded for bear.
First I will say all the positive, so that when my critics crucify me, they can at least appreciate why I still like Colombian Men.
The best lovers, Colombian men are famous for their bedside manner. That is to say, most are quite proficient at sex. On the other hand, they also seem to be really obsessed with it too. Definitely a testosterone hot culture.
Physically, I find Colombian men to be extremely handsome. If you like that classic Latino look, regardless of skin shade, then you will LOVE this culture. Added Benefit: most men here are within their natural weight range.
They speak like Romeo, and hurt like a toothache. Colombian men have a way of whispering sweet nothings that are guaranteed to melt even the coldest heart of them all. I think many of them are natural born poets.
Tip: Always look beyond the words of Colombian men and judge them by actions.
Lies, Lies, and More Lies
Most people in Colombia lie. It is culturally acceptable to “protect” yourself with little white lies. This is the rule and not the exception. Crazy “ex” issues that constantly filter into your experience? Maybe she isn’t actually an ex.
I have had men write me, or ask for my number, flirt, then admit later that they have a girlfriend. This one happens more than I expect it to. One of my exes to this day still lies about the dumbest things, on a chronic basis.
In Colombian culture “mentiritas,” or little white lies, are socially acceptable if they protect loved ones in some perceived way. Even many workplaces here are often characterized by employees that lie to protect themselves on a constant basis.
Aggressive Married Men
Especially if his phone gets shut off on nights or weekend, assume the worst. Don’t let your heart get compromised by an aggressive married man who doesn’t want to ruin his great family situation by divorcing his estranged wife.
Having lovers on the side is common. In fact, many married women even have active knowledge of their husbands unfaithfulness. I once heard a story where two women cornered their man and made him choose between them. He committed suicide instead of making up his mind.
The word for boyfriend/girlfriend of a married person is mozo (masculine)/moza (feminine). It is as typical in Colombia as the arepa, or corn cake that is served with every meal.
In some situations the wife and the moza, have even ended up in tentative friendships each lending her own support to the man they both love. Colombian men can be very complicated.
Machista Men Who Are Basically Abusers
Ok, so I am not completely convinced about the “machismo” thing. Yes, Colombian men sometimes seem a bit more masculine than their American counterparts. But, this society hides abusers by calling them “machista” instead of simply calling them out for what they are: abusive assholes.
Much of this comes from mothers who either teach their sons to be extra manly because they are terrified of raising a gay man, or by fathers who demand dinner at 7:00 PM and sex daily.
Unfortunately, therapy is not common, and conservatism can cause many abusers and their victims to never seek help. In other situations, the men travel, live abroad and begin to have a different concept of the world and they can improve.
Natural Born Rapists
The intenseness of a Colombian man is exotic, especially when they start kissing on you. American men really should come down, learn to kiss, then go back and get themselves a nice lady to love on.
Unfortunately, NO can mean GO in Colombian culture. They have shows like Muñecas de la Mafia which shows girls getting raped by their boyfriends, who they tried to break up with. And, many women have been raped at least once or twice here. Talk about triggers!
Your best defense is a good offense. In other words, do not find yourself alone in an intimate situation with someone you don’t know very well, try to double date when possible. There is no rape hotline, and the police won’t care very much.
Of course, there are exceptions.
At least 50% of the men here ARE NOT rapists. Even so, 1 out of 2 means that your odds are a bit dicey. Plan ahead, and always have an exit strategy. Note: While there are no CURRENT rape statistics related to men, there is a heavy stigma against women reporting rape, if not a total lack of justice.
According to World Organization Against Torture, many authorities receive such reports according to whether they “Perceive” the woman to be honest:
“When women do come forward to denounce such violence, they are often met with discriminatory stereotypes in the judicial and law enforcement systems that perpetuate notions that the victim is to blame for provoking the violence. Also, it is reported that protection of women is sometimes granted according to opinions of whether a woman is “honest” or not, and that some opinions do not view women as credible witnesses.”
What does this mean?
There is no way to know exactly what the actual statistics are, but if a woman is raped, she will be met with heavy bias, and has a slim chance of justice. Which means, that as women travelers/residents we have to be extremely careful where we go, with whom, and the situations we fall into, because justice for this crime is virtually non-existent, neither is honest reporting.
Watch out for signs of a mama’s boy. If you are interested in Colombian Men who live with, or are extremely close to their mother’s – RUN! These can be the worst situations to deal with.
A man like this might be caring, kind and attentive, unless he has plans with mama. Sundays are usually spent going to mass with, or eating lunch, at mama’s.
Watch out for these man-child freaks as they don’t look for equal partners, instead hoping to find a mommy replacement to sustain them one day.
One man I spent some time with, had soft manicured hands, a slight pudge, and no sense of punctuality. At the overripe age of 40 he still lived with mama and papa. I will never forget how I sat patiently in a car with his parents for over 30 minutes waiting for him to come down.
In another situation, I dated a charming older man (52) whose mother was in her 80’s. He was definitely looking for a mama replacement to baby him from the cradle to the grave.
These tend to be men who are extremely charming, handsome, nice whatever – but horrifically unmotivated to put on their man-pants and succeed at life. In the US, we usually call these man-babies INCELS.
Another big red flag in Colombia, are the men who use subtle manipulation to isolate and control women. I have only really experienced it a little bit in some of my own situations, but have heard horror stories where even the suegra, or mother-in-law becomes an accomplice.
Create solid friendships and protect them from Colombian men. This might mean compartmentalizing your life a bit, or even laying down strong ground rules from the very beginning for yourself, and them.
Of course, this is nothing more than classic relationship advice, but even the best of us can forget these “rules” once love strikes.
Don’t ever let anyone isolate you from your support group. On the other hand, make sure it is healthy, and non-toxic. Friendships can take time to build here, but are vital for helping you navigate the storms of life abroad in Colombia.
Is There Hope?
I can go on all day about how horrible Colombian men are. Many of my educated Colombian friends here, dream of dating a gringo, or going abroad to find love. The ones that have, will openly admit that the best relationship they had in their life was with “x” foreign man.
On the other hand, I HAVE seen healthy relationships here. There ARE exceptions, but you have to be very patient and sort the gems from the giant piles of dogs that are strewn everywhere.
And, no I am not saying that the women are innocent either – much of the same issues I have reported about men, have also occurred in women. Colombian women are their own weird twist of manipulative fun which must be carefully observed and understood.
Overall, Colombian culture is so oversexed, even on television, that foreigners often feel shocked, intrigued and excited as they go through their honeymoon stage. Even so, our success stories are few and far between.
My only piece of advice is the following:
Try to find people who have decent educations and who have lived in the exterior at least a few years. Keep your defenses up, and watch out for people who are “engañoso,” or game players that try to entrap you.
In Spite of It all, Colombian Men Fascinate Me
I will be the first to admit, that I am a total hypocrite, having fallen in love with a few different Colombian men who weren’t right for me. On the other hand, the glamour and flash of these men doesn’t attract me as much as it used to. Even their beauty isn’t as dazzling to me as it once was.
Younger men are to be observed carefully for signs of a “user,” while older, more experienced men must be held at arms length as they are often so carefully practiced you won’t even spot their games until it is too late.
Having dated both older and younger men, I can honestly say that I prefer the 40-50 ish range. However, the biggest problem with this age group is that some of them are mommas boys who never left home.
In the interim whenever I am single, I spend a lot of time working on myself and my inner state. Much of what men and women attract in relationships, are a reflection of their own weaknesses, self-image, or parent figures.
The best way to find a healthy loving relationship is to work on self-esteem, confidence, self-love, and mental wellness. We can’t keep playing the same game expecting a different outcome, use self-improvement to bring better opportunities.
If you aren’t leading a life which is balanced and fulfilling, you run the risk of falling into worse and worse situations. It may mean years of loneliness while you analyze yourself, but well worth the headaches you are avoiding down the road.
On the other hand, if you find someone and the chemistry is that good, proceed with caution. It is better to believe in love and keep trying, than to resign yourself to a lonely future. Give it a chance. Or keep reading!
My warnings are only meant to guide, protect and increase the chances that you might find your very own happily ever after, after all.
If you feel like these tips resound with you and you want to have an online consulting session – feel free to email me at email@example.com. Cost is $25/hour to sit and discuss perspectives, ideas and culture norms related to dating in Colombia.