That falling sensation – the one we all hope to feel at least once in our lives, might have a rough landing. Are Colombians Capable of Love? When the honeymoon ends we are left devastated and questioning our own sanity.

Dating in Colombia is a topic that obviously can and can’t be overgeneralized about. But, here we are again drawing some new conclusions and they correspond with personal experiences and some of the emails we are getting from our audience.

Are Colombians Capable of Love?

To be perfectly honest, Colombians are fully capable of loving their mothers and their children. They might even have that first love that ruined them for everyone else including you and I.

Colombian men and women portray this easy go lucky attitude of Devil May Care as they drink, eat and make love “con buen gusto.” However, there seem to be some deep issues culturally that make it really hard to expect to receive love from these people.

Learn more about Colombian Women Here: https://openmindedtraveler.com/2021/10/01/truth-about-colombian-women/

Too Much Trauma

In the 21st century, we know that many of our current problems may be a result of past trauma. Abandonment, lack of love during childhood or the violence from the Colombian civil war may have played a role in the psyches of people we are meeting and loving.

Here’s a quick look at trauma impact on relationships from the International Society for Trauma Stress Studies:

“Living through traumatic events may result in expectations of danger, betrayal, or potential harm within new or old relationships. Survivors may feel vulnerable and confused about what is safe, and therefore it may be difficult to trust others, even those whom they trusted in the past. It may feel frightening to get close to people for fear of being hurt in an unsafe world.”

In my last relationship, I found myself falling in love – and ultimately breaking up with him because in his words “I know not all women are the same…but.” There was no real logical explanation that he could give me about his inability to love, but that was the closest he could get.

Colombia was unsafe for many years. This is a place where people will create relationships in order to hurt, steal or extort other people. Trust is probably the most precious commodity available in Colombia.

The impact of broken families and the violence of the civil war, cartel/mafia activities and petty crime/theft have created several generations of people who put on a face that says “I’m happy” while hiding an interior that screams painfully “I’m hurt.”

The same article as the previous quote also says:

“Many trauma survivors feel emotionally numb and have trouble feeling or expressing positive emotions in a relationship.”

So if you feel like they are disconnected and distant – they probably are. But it is not our job to fix them. Changing past problems must come from within. It is rare that these victims will allow outside intervention to help them move on or process their issues.

Exterior vs Interior Worlds

Even many Colombians who are born here and leave young can find it hard to relate to their countrymen if they grew up in safe and secure life in places like Europe and the US. Foreign visitors take it for granted that most of our countries of origin are safe places where trust can be built.

After 11 years, I find it as hard as ever to understand what is going on inside of Colombian men and women. I have met a lot of people who rarely talk about their past, and even less about their past traumas, issues and things that have happened to them.

My sons father would talk whimsically about his childhood growing up in El Choco – in a conflict zone, but after the age of 13 or 14 when he and his family were displaced by the conflict there is a huge blank spot. Literally nothing from the age of 13 to 27 when I met him. What little he did say was only a few positive but sparse details.

Sex Tourism and Cam Girl Industry

In every small town and city of Colombia, there is some percentage of men and women who work in front of cameras either as cam girls/boys and porn stars. This is a $100 million USD industry in Colombia according to one source. [2] This same article also points out that people who do work web cam are manifesting a lot of emotional instability while not getting necessary treatment.

Do you understand the difference between sex vs. relationships in Colombia? https://openmindedtraveler.com/2022/02/27/relationships-vs-sex-in-colombia/

Some of these cam girls have even created side businesses based on false relationships with clients where they sorrowfully ask for money to help them with “x” poverty problem. The thing is, if you haven’t gone and physically MET these people, you are only setting your self up to become a victim.

One of my readers sent me the following:

Later I received another letter from him saying that he wanted to buy her appliances and a few other things. Instead of responding, I deleted it because as much as I tried to warn him, I knew he was a lost cause.

This happens constantly. An entire sector of the economy are well-meaning foreigners sending money to Colombians who they have perceived relationships with.

In one situation, there was a woman who a man was involved with – and he ended up cutting her up into little pieces and putting her in a suitcase, probably for leading him on so much and then rejecting him when he showed up in person to “live happily ever after.” This does not excuse the crime – but reading between the lines, he probably thought she was going to be his girlfriend, and then things suddenly didn’t work out. https://thecitypaperbogota.com/news/john-poulos-maintains-innocence-in-murder-case-of-bogota-dj/

Again, we are not condoning bad behavior – but we are asking you to think before you take the word of a person online as truth.

If you did not meet them in person, and see their situation in person – you truly can’t know what is going on. You can’t. Read the comments below our other dating articles. There are fairy tale stories and nightmares almost 25/75.

Can Love be Bought?

One of my foreign expat friends says “She is a Ferrari…” talking about his girlfriend now wife. In a way, he does have real feelings for her – but he also acknowledges that her cost for “love” is as high as the maintenance cost of a high end hot rod. And – for him, it’s ok.

In the Medellin groups there are discussions by men about how much they pay to have a beautiful woman on their arm. Yes, love can be bought in Colombia – at least in a superficial way to boost your image and/or self-esteem with the folks back home.

And a lot of people settle for this…men especially.

But are Colombians Capable of Love? Don’t kid yourself that they don’t have someone back in their neighborhood getting a cut of the gringo bounty – they might be capable of love, but you aren’t it – if you are buying their affection/attention.

How do we create healthy relationships in Colombia?

Is it even possible? Are Colombians capable of love?

My mother always tells me she hopes I will meet a man who has lived abroad enough years to have developed a better perspective of what our respective cultures are about.

I have dated men who I had recently met, and I have dated men who I knew one or two years beforehand – yet still struck out.

They even have a popular saying in Colombia:

“The one who loves, loses”

If Colombians are skeptical about the existence of “true love,” how much more difficult is it for a foreign resident or visitor who can offer them a golden ticket to another place?

Cross cultural relationships ARE hard – read more here: https://openmindedtraveler.com/2017/06/05/relationships-in-colombia/

Unfortunately, in our experience and the experience of others around us – most will use us as a stepping stone to a better place and a brighter opportunity. My first boyfriend in Colombia used me to start a business (I had contributed to buying equipment and getting it going), and then left me for a Venezuelan who he had gotten pregnant.

Conclusion

There is no magic solution to relationships in Colombia. It is more akin to a game of Russian roulette than anything that can be understood with logic. You might get lucky, or you might strike out again and again.

One thing we know for sure – most people don’t seem capable of actually loving in a deep and meaningful way. Chances are they are simply using you for papers, prestige, money – or even sex.

As for me, I am going to work on myself, my family and my projects. Will I give love another chance? It’s not high on my list of priorities. My mom believes that I need to manifest the type of relationship I imagine myself having – but first, healing.

Sources:

1. International Society for Trauma Stress Studies: Trauma and Relationships: https://istss.org/ISTSS_Main/media/Documents/ISTSS_TraumaAndRelationships_FNL.pdf
2. The Webcam Industry in Colombia, between viability and laboral exploitation. https://www.infobae.com/america/colombia/2022/06/16/la-industria-webcam-en-colombia-entre-la-rentabilidad-y-la-explotacion-laboral/